My favorite scam

Back in the seventies, a fellow put adds in all the mens magazines from Canada through the USA giving a 100 percent guarantee on enlarging a mans, ah, member. You send him ninety nine bucks, done deal. Well, he was eventually shut down by the US Postal service. After he made three million bucks. He made his case in court, but, naturally, they found another way to stop him. Here’s the scam…This guy bought tens of thousands of tiny plastic magnifying glass’s such as found in Cracker Jack boxes. They cost him one hundredth of a cent each. People who sent him his ninety nine bucks, received a letter back, with a glass in the envelope. The letter said, “Hold male member in one hand, look through glass in other hand. You will become larger instantly!” It stood up in court…

Another person told me our place is supposed to have ghosts. I’m working on the first stone wall going in here, so, I’m down on the dirt road. End up talking with an fellow riding his horse up the trail. After he left, I remembered this story by Marsden. He’s a fellow who spent a lot of time debunking ghost stories. He ends up at this castle in Scotland. Having spent many a night all over the Isles in various haunted places, he didn’t expect much from the latest on his tour. First, he can’t hire out a photographer. No one in the area would set foot on this place. Finally, he arrives in a taxi with an out of town photo man. The caretaker who lived across the road, took them up to the castle. He only said this…”I lock the gate down below at six pm. I don’t open it again until sunup. So, once I leave you boys, you’re here all night, understand?” He then leaves them at the top of this long, winding, tree covered lane. No castle in view yet. They head around the bend…As they come around a bend in the road, the see the castle for the first time. He was let down. More of a over sized country estate, actually. Walking at a good pace, they’re now standing in front of the main doors, looking up at the edifice. The photographers camera wouldn’t work for some reason. They decide to go in and look around. It was just before noon, so, plenty of light left to shoot later. The doors were unlocked. People in town said it was just as it had been left over a hundred years before. Marsden said the feeling of dread and doom that hit them was palpable. You could feel it all around you. Then he remembered his quick research prior to coming out. The family had owned slave ships. When slavery was outlawed, they ran all their ships aground for the insurance money, then, used the ships timbers to build the roofs of their castle. The photographer picked up his bags, he was heading for the gate. Marsden followed…Now, this Marsden fellow had to wait in this small Scottish town for an extra day since not one person who knew the right end of a camera would go on this property. Not only was the family who owned it cursed, but the land itself was weird. Where the estate could really frighten the locals was the green fog that came out of splits and fissures in the rocky terrain the house itself was situated in. The sea, not a mile away, caused the fogs at high tides and full moons said many a legend. Long before any structure existed, the area was avoided. The family that ended up with the land fit it perfectly. They started out as waylayers. Meaning they would deliberately give wrong directions to lost travelers, making them worn out and tired, then in a box canyon with no exit. The entire clan would fall on the unlucky travelers. Killing all the males, taking what they so desired, then burning the rest. Women and children were assimilated or dealt with through murder or slavery. The many meetings with sea captains eager for white slaves, brought the family into the slave trade itself. Seeing a good thing in the early seventeen hundreds, they began purchasing vessels and hiring captains of their own. England stopped the slave trade with many a crew hung from the impounded ships yardarms. The family collected their last bit of blood money by wrecking their own ships during a storm, then collecting not only the insurance, but, the large beams that made up the superstructure of the slave ships. What horror stories those beams could tell if able. Entire loads of slaves would be chained to the ships anchor at sight of a strange sail. If an English Man of War? The anchor, weighing a thousand pounds, went into the sea. Hundreds of slaves followed it down. No way to stop it as each body added to its weight….With their new wealth, an estate went up. The house’s main entry was made of those ships beams, spread out in a large octagon, then, into the various wings….Our writer doing the story, was well aware of all of this. He had no fear. He had already debunked over a dozen castles with far worse reputations. His favorite saying on leaving a haunted estate the next morning? “Never slept better in my life!” Now, left at the front door with his hired from another village photographer, he still had an air of confidence. But there was a problem with the camera. No problem said his new assistant, “I have another back up rig!” It was still early in the morning, so, they decided to check out the interior to see what the lighting was like. (Now, this is what I’ll always remember, in his own words)… “As I shoved the tall, oaken door full of cast iron studs before me, I noticed an odd thing right away. It had no way to lock. Once we stepped past it, the answer came to me in an instant. The feeling of dread and terror that permeated the tall chamber made it clear to one and all that this was no place to worry about securing. Not ten foot into the vast room, empty except for a large piece of furniture here and there, I find my companion lagging behind. I asked him if his back up camera had a flash option. His countenance had changed like a comedian will do in a flash, but, he was quite serious. Still awaiting a reply, I again looked back at him. He was heading for the front entry door at a fast pace. Once again in the full light of the sun, I started to tell a funny story to break the spell. He would have none of it. He picked up his large camera bag and headed back down the tree covered lane we had just came in on with the caretaker not minutes prior. I decided to continue on my own. Its what you’ve been mocking, I said to myself, so, time to put up or shut up….I never made it any farther inside. Something I had never felt in any of my prior overnights at many a dark and scary castle, began to seep into me like a black presence creeping into my very soul. And this was at midday in full daylight. Picking up my overnight bag and bedroll. I hastened after my companion!”

Little Big Sandy

An old I.O.U. fell out of a book I was moving from one of our thousand boxes. It didn’t need a name. It had a kiss print on the back. Little Sandy was her name. An old flame? Are you kidding? She wouldn’t of been caught dead with me. She went for the Neanderthal type. He’d better be tough. After the Chinese theatre incident, I always called her, ‘Little big Sandy’. We had just come out from seeing the Dustin Hoffman flick, ‘Little big Man’. Not any way a date. We just saw it together, three seats between us. It was still early. About eight pm. My gal pal had been in a good mood. She had the evening off from her after hours bar, ‘The fifth base’. Too bad we had to bump into Paul the flake. He was in line to see the next showing. He tried the turn and look away escape. Nope. Sandy has spotted him. He made the mistake of not running. He owed her a two hundred dollar bar tab…As she attacked him verbally, he made a big mistake. He sneered at her. Now, I’ve known a lot of women with nails. Sandys were like a fighting bulls. Short, blunt, and filed to points. She gave old Paul a quick taste on his face. He jerked her off her feet by her levi jacket sleeve and dumped her on her butt, right next to John Wayne’s foot prints (Cowboy boots, about a size 18) Me? I stayed way back. I didn’t know what was going to happen, but I knew Paul wasn’t going to be the same in a few seconds. Sandy came up off that cement like she had a giant spring in her ass. She also had one of her steel tipped high heels in her right hand. Her left hand got a death grip and Paul got a new mug. Plain clothes cops in the crowd saved Paul’s life. As Paul started to scream for Sandy to be arrested, both plain clothes cops give him the, ‘Get moving’! look. Paul blows, fading into the crowd. The cops smile at Sandy. We head for my truck. They had tabs too…

Her name was Ellie…

She worked as a waitress for decades in the rear coffee shop at Thrifty’s on the corner of Sunset and Fairfax. Place had fantastic apple cobbler. This one tiny, frail, always wearing a mink coat gal, was Ellie’s favorite customer. I used to watch this tiny woman, head for her special booth with the help of her driver. He waited for her in this polished Bentley until Ellie would wave for him out the back door of Thrifty’s for him to get his lady. Ellie had a face like Popeye’s mom would have, minus the corn cob pipe…On a phone repair at the Body Shop, I’m at the rear of my Pac Bell van, getting some wire. Traffic has backed up. I look into the eyes of a nice looking woman in the car waiting for the light to change, sitting right next to me. It was Ellie!…When the woman passed away, she left all her millions in property and bank statements to her favorite waitress…

My Uncle Mel told me this bear story…

Seems Hal Roach wanted Spanky from the ‘Our Gang’ crew to do a finishing close up for one of their latest shorts filmed at Toluca Lake with a bear. The bear was to give him a nuzzle or lick to fade away with. Spanky told his mom he didn’t want to do it. Roach approaches Alfalfa. He didn’t like that bear either. Even Buckwheat said no. My uncle was there as the dog handler, watching this all go down. The bear trainer was furious since he was losing money. Grabbing a jar of honey, he yells at the kids, “Look, here’s all there is to it!” He then puts a gob of honey on his cheek to let the bear lick it off. The bear tore the entire side of the mans face off with one quick click of its jaws…

My Uncle Mel never trusted chimps. He had many stories about trainers and others killed and injured by these apes. When I met Cheetah, the original Tarzan chimp, he was in his sixties, living with his trainer in the Simi foothills. He was so powerful, when he patted me on the head, I thought he cracked some of my neck vertebrae (Cheetah is still alive in an ape rescue in San Diego. He’s eighty.) My Uncle Mel told me of a chimp that a railroad roustabout had given a bottle of beer to while their circus train was on a siding between cities. This chimp was a well known performer, kept on a tiny leash for appearance sake. Another man gives the chimp a bottle of beer full or urine for a joke. The chimp killed the man by breaking his back, backwards, then, destroyed two more workers. When the yard men came to shoot him, he stood with an odd look on his face and took the shots.

On a repair job off Hollywood Blvd., I put a tag on the chain link gate saying I tried to do the repair, but, the dog had the gate covered. Now, this was the part of the Blvd. near Laurel cyn. Where all the old stars estates begin…As I turn to jump in my Pac Bell truck, this long haired mafia looking dude, shouts at me to come back. He’s also letting the dog out of said gate as he keeps talking to me. I shit my pants. TWICE, when that dog came at me. Oh, it was friendly, HOW WOULD I KNOW. He had growled like crazy as I shook the gate and yelled towards the house. I end up stooping down and petting the big lug. He was at least two hundred pounds. Half Rottweiler, half St. Bernard. Real sloppy mouth, but a neat dog. I feel some odd bumps as I pet him. The owner filled me in. His dog carried around THREE 45. cal slugs. From the five that hit him. AND HE LIVED!!! Neighbor shot him through their common back fence while drugged out…

I’m helping my pal, Phil Townsend, on a telephone install for a jewelry store on Sunset Blvd., just before the border of Beverly Hills. I usually don’t do installation, but, repair was slow, so, dispatch sent me to help Phil knock out this phone system swap. All the wire was in place, it was to be a piece of cake…Phil meets me at the security buzz in. Its a glass anti room to hold back robbers. Right. These jewelry guys also had a big German Shepherd in the rear of the store you accessed through a secondary buzzer. This dog was supposed to be locked in a storage room while we did the install. It got out, just after I arrived. It went right for Phil, sitting on a plastic milk crate, wiring jacks behind the main glass counter. It bit him right in the crotch. Phil smacked the dog on its head with a ten button call director, making it let loose and run down a hallway behind us…Phil kept his jewels, and, picked up a nice check for ten grand later…

The Rose Man of Sing-Sing

Just finished my book by the warden of Sing-Sing prison, ‘Thirty thousand years in Sing-Sing’. He started it out with, “I’ve put to death 150 men and one woman. None were a deterrent to crime in my opinion!”..Anyhow, there’s one chapter called, ‘The Rose Man of Sing-Sing’. He was over sixty when he went in for life for killing his wife. A former big shot on a New York paper, he killed his wife for cheating. Turns out, she wasn’t, but, since she was still dead, off to prison he went. He ends up getting a shot a planting this fantastic garden inside the prisons two acres. People from all over the country sent him cuttings and books for his growing library on gardening. Fountains, trees, the works. Just as he finishes it, the prison has to be re-plumbed. Over a hundred years old. His garden is destroyed. Wiped out by the construction crew. I can honestly say I know how he felt…

Not far from our new ranch is, ‘The Monolith’. Quite a structure. Across the train tracks are rolling meadows of green grass. Lots of cows and horses graze. Leo wondered why no one rode the horses. I say, “Because they’re out to pasture, sort of retired!” He thought it was a waste of money. I told him my Napoleon story…After Waterloo, the General abandoned his army. Even to this day, frozen remnants are found in mass graves, piled where they fell, trying to escape the Russians. Look it up. Anyhow, all the horses and mules were also abandoned by the retreating army. No feed. No water in the freezing wind. On the other hand, not so the English horses. The English are quite different then any other people when it comes to animals. A friend of mine once moved to a town near London to work for a foreign phone company. He had a boxer with cropped ears. When he went to walk it, he was spit on for mutilating it…back to the horses…With so many abandoned animals, a Belgiun man started buying them up all over Europe for dog food. When he ran out, he took a ship to the British Isles after hearing about all their pastured war horses on vast estates. In Scotland, at one such place, he informs an old one legged caretaker that, “I’ll take all these worthless beasts off your hands for a fair price!” The old cavalryman calls for another caretaker named Mc Laughlin, “Hey, be so kind as to get you bugle!” At this, Mc Laughlin smiled and nodded while tapping out his pipe. Now at the edge of a broad lawn stretching for hundreds of acres, he looked out upon dottings of horses at graze, as far as you could see. He looked at his companion. The old one legged caretaker said quietly, “Blow assembly!” At the sound of the call, every horse perked its ears, then, trotted to a flat meadow, tossing their heads as they formed a long line. Not a man near them…The old caretaker then at almost a whisper, “Call the advance!” At the sound of the bugle, every horse snapped to attention and came forward. All as one. Hundreds stepped as if of one mind. “Now sweep ’em left”, the bugle brought them left. “Now, sweep them right!” As they came right, just in front of the old man, he said a louder, “Give ’em the charge lad!! At the sound of the charge, every horse leaped as if hit by lightening. The sound of their hoofs shook the very ground. “Now sound recall!” As the horses slowed, then broke up, the old one legged man spat tobacco on the Belgians shirt, then said, “Worthless? Get your ass off my land!”